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all over again

Its suddenly vicious to be single at twenty-three, surrounded by pseudo-ambitious, overly-judicious, sons of Narcissus. To be fair, I’m completely out of practice since for the past few years I’ve barely been interested so I’ve smiled my way through most interactions and paused briefly with some who proved to be great distractions but anything more has always made me suspicious. Perhaps I’m in the wrong business because literature makes you an idealist as I’ve grown up with tales of heroes so perfect and fictitious that I stopped looking for them anywhere other than in worn-out, musty smelling pages. Not that great guys don’t exist but all of us single people hide behind way too many faces. Faces that only stack up as we progress in age and gather even more baggage. Suddenly you’re in a room filled with people putting their best foot forward while trying their very best not to be awkward. Some have no idea where to begin so they remain self-effacing while others seduce you with the shallow promises of rolling in riches. Most of us carry heartache from the old into the new while others are living in a revenge fantasy for someone else but the collateral damage is you. We’re all stuck in between stages because everyone wants the commitment but very few want to ride out all the phases. Most of the time we’re all just making empty promises of ways to keep each other satisfied when we don’t have the first clue of how to do it for ourselves. For at twenty-three it would be foolish to pretend like we don’t have bigger priorities and dreams for success which will only be derailed by an activity that’s become way too repetitive. But then every time I return to those musty-smelling pages I wonder how I can go through life and all its stages without ever being courageous enough to open the doors to magic. In the real world we all carry a little bit of damage and perhaps the practical application requires a lot more finding and patience in a world as cold and haphazard but twenty-three is too young to make all my decisions and remain this cynical.

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