Bucket List

I didn’t even know I was falling.

I’ve spent so long with my arms flailing about, I had to tell myself they’re my wings. That I’m not failing, but learning how to float in the wind. That the comfortable days of sitting strapped in with seatbelts at the back of the plane are now over. That I must wrap away my fear and swallow it with composure as I leap into the clouds, clinging onto nothing but my doubts, as the ground pulls me closer. That’s all its been all this while, plummeting towards my death with a smile.

Jumping to the beat of a mild applause that fades into the back like a subtle soundtrack as the plane releases me from its jaws. An applause ringing with pride as everyone celebrates my ability to defy and refusal to rely and undeterred strength since the morning he died. An applause that recognizes the beauty of a single bird fluttering against the tie-dye canvas of the sky, her wings alone holding her up high. An applause that drowns out the bird’s desperate pleas for a short respite as she dives headfirst towards the ground, her weightless body as light as her tired sighs.

I have tried to swim in the blue of the sky and melt into misty clouds as they would glide from side to side and merge with the kaleidoscopic schools of birds fluttering by – I tried to convince myself for the longest time that it’s normal to be this terrified because loneliness is overwhelming, especially when you’re constantly fighting to simply stay alive. I spent so long plummeting by myself, I wasn’t prepared for our collide. As if you’re one of the first to see through the pretense of normalcy and have decided to challenge me by insisting on holding on ever so tightly. After years of freefalling, you’re like the parachute I randomly found on me. One that pulls me right before my body kisses the ground, and reminds me buoyancy. Of stability. Of safety. As if after years of plunging towards the ground all alone, you’ve made me believe I don’t have to crash-land – I can simply come home.

And I didn’t even know I was falling.