What if I don’t blame myself today?
What if I lower the screeching volume of my insides that see me as the enemy and focus on how to simply just be? What if I don’t replay the reel of embarrassing memories and missed opportunities from years ago that may not even be significant anymore but somehow they still pop up daily as reminders of all the reasons I’m to blame for not being happy?
What if I decide to be kind instead?
What if I don’t let my overwhelming emotions heave out unnecessary thoughts into my head? What if today I ban the words “fraud”, “incapable”, “dramatic”, “boring”, and “less than”? Will I still be able to talk to myself? There is a certain vocabulary-bank that seems to float around unnoticed until I decide to address myself, and then begins the most hurtful game of roulette yet, as all these words fly out unprecedented – so loud and unapologetic – that I buckle beneath the weight and obsess over all that is imperfect, and now years of that obsession with each of my imperfections has somehow evolved into a mindset.
What if, just for today, I treated myself like a friend?
A friend who breaks down in front of you so suddenly that your arms fly around their shoulders and your voice dips into coos for a baby as they howl against your chest and tell you that they tried their best and yet it’s never been enough so you grab them to ferociously condemn the way they speak of themselves, for while they see a broken, shattered soul, you always see so much more. You remind them of their greatness and you drool over their strength and you recount all the times they impressed you until their breaths settle once more and they crack an unconvinced smile so you decide to hug them and stay in silence for a little while.
What if I just loved myself today?
Why does that always sound like such a cringey sentiment? When did the words picked up by bullies, and those internalized from the long stares in the mirror, and those flung at you by strangers – when did all these words become more acceptable? Why does loving myself make me so judgmental? When did I deem myself undeserving of anything positive?
What if, today, I reclaim my power and change the narrative?